Today is still holiday before the fourth term starts. I should
have going places, meeting people, watching movies, exploring cities, doing
sightseeing, et cetera. I should have having fun. But instead, here I am. Alone
in my room. Accompanied by the hiatus. It is raining outside, making the gloomy
ambience gets even gloomier. Calum Scott’s “Dancing On My Own” song is playing.
Apparently, I have been thinking. I have been thinking something
unfathomable. I have been thinking about “second chance”. Do you ever feel like
you have been betrayed, dishonored, lied by the person who has the special spot
in your heart that you cannot live without? Do you know how it feels like to be
the one who always get hurt by the person you love the most? Have you ever
found out your boyfriend is interested in another girl and then he tries to
make a move by flirting with her behind
you? Do you know how it feels? If you don’t, I’ll kindly tell you. ;)
Well, imagine you have a boyfriend, you love him so much that
you forgot to love yourself, you care with him, you think he’s your Mr. Right,
you love him inside out, you even get overjoyed by his flaws, you love him by
the way he is. But then, out of nowhere, you suddenly find out that he has been
having a long, interesting, flirty midnight conversation with a girl whose name
you never heard before. How would you feel? Hurt? Jealous? Betrayed? Well me, I
feel that dash of electricity shimmy up my spine. I feel a cold hard fist in my
heart. I
feel my entire body freeze up that soft matter around me hardening into lead. My
hand is shaking and my heart is pounding and I feel the beginnings of a panic
attack, the kind that makes me sure I’m about to die. If the people around me
knew how I feel, they would laugh at me. Yea, it is that hurts.
I reckon those descriptions had explained why I have been
thinking about second chance. I’m in the middle of confusion between how my
heart feels and what my brain tries to tell me. My brain has been telling me
thousands of rational reasons to end the
relationship between me and him. But on the contrary, my heart rejects to eliminate
him. It can not accept the after effect of it of how my life would go on
without the presence of him.
Deep down inside, I feel my love burst sincerely in
a way it has not done before. I loview. x
