confusion

Today is still holiday before the fourth term starts. I should have going places, meeting people, watching movies, exploring cities, doing sightseeing, et cetera. I should have having fun. But instead, here I am. Alone in my room. Accompanied by the hiatus. It is raining outside, making the gloomy ambience gets even gloomier. Calum Scott’s “Dancing On My Own” song is playing.

Apparently, I have been thinking. I have been thinking something unfathomable. I have been thinking about “second chance”. Do you ever feel like you have been betrayed, dishonored, lied by the person who has the special spot in your heart that you cannot live without? Do you know how it feels like to be the one who always get hurt by the person you love the most? Have you ever found out your boyfriend is interested in another girl and then he tries to make a move by flirting with her behind you? Do you know how it feels? If you don’t, I’ll kindly tell you. ;)

Well, imagine you have a boyfriend, you love him so much that you forgot to love yourself, you care with him, you think he’s your Mr. Right, you love him inside out, you even get overjoyed by his flaws, you love him by the way he is. But then, out of nowhere, you suddenly find out that he has been having a long, interesting, flirty midnight conversation with a girl whose name you never heard before. How would you feel? Hurt? Jealous? Betrayed? Well me, I feel that dash of electricity shimmy up my spine. I feel a cold hard fist in my heart. I feel my entire body freeze up that soft matter around me hardening into lead. My hand is shaking and my heart is pounding and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack, the kind that makes me sure I’m about to die. If the people around me knew how I feel, they would laugh at me. Yea, it is that hurts.

I reckon those descriptions had explained why I have been thinking about second chance. I’m in the middle of confusion between how my heart feels and what my brain tries to tell me. My brain has been telling me thousands of rational reasons  to end the relationship between me and him. But on the contrary, my heart rejects to eliminate him. It can not accept the after effect of it of how my life would go on without the presence of him. 

Deep down inside, I feel my love burst sincerely in a way it has not done before. I loview. x

trash

hai semua.
h+2 sbmptn nih...
dan sekarang hidup gue hampa.
banget.
udah ga ada lagi bangun pagi terus pergi les.
udah ga ada lagi belajar bareng temen sambil main.
udah ga ada lagi jalan-jalan abis selesai les.
udah ga ada lagi hunting kuliner bandung bareng temen.
among all things i mentioned above, one thing that bother me the most; udah ga ada lagi temen buat kongkow bareng.
secara, temen gue anak perantau semua, mereka pulang ke pelukan orang tua mereka masing-masing.
ga bisa nyalahin siapa-siapa.
karena kalo gue jadi merekapun gue bakal milih di rumah sama orang tua dan saudara gue daripada disini ngabisin duit bareng temen...
terus ngapain gue curhat disini? pertanyaan bagus.
jawabannya; ga tau.
gue ga tau hehe
well, sebenernya hati gue agak sedikit resah.
nunggu pengumuman.
mikirin masa depan gue.
mikirin kedua orang tua gue.
mikirin gimana kelanjutan hidup gue.
gue malu. banget.
gue malu for being surrounded by hundreds of genius people, and me being the dumbest of all.
ketika semua orang yakin dengan kemampuan mereka, gue cuma bisa pasrah ngandelin isi otak gue yang kapasitasnya ga ada apa-apanya dibandingin temen-temen gue lainnya.
sedih ya
bayangin dong, you've worked so hard, struggled, sacrificed your money, time, energy and everything but then the result you get is far lower than your expectation.
"semangat ros" "gapapa yang penting udah usaha" "bisa kok bisaa"
semua bilang gitu tanpa tau rasanya jadi gue
ga segampang itu.
ngejalanin hidup yang ga sesuai dengan passion lo itu susah.
dan sekarang gue cuma bisa tawakkal.

doain gue ya semua yang baca. walaupun gue tau ga ada yang baca wkwkwk mwah mwah

I AM BACK!

It's been a while.. The last post was published 3 years ago which means i have never shared anything while i'm in high school. And just a sec ago this blog popped-out on my mind. So here i am, writing trashy thing to you to be read.

There actually so much things i want to tell. Too much that i cant decide which one to share hehe. Ok here we go!

--2012--

My first year in high school, Kharisma Bangsa, a bilingual boarding school. Going here was a challenge for me since I've never been in a bilingual school and lived in a dorm which is far away from my parents. But i had to overcome it bcs this was my decision, and by the help of Allah, I did it. New friends, new atmosphere, new routines, new rules, all new. At first i had difficulty coping with life in this capital city.. Everything here is so contrast to what i had in my hometown. As time flew, i learnt that i need to be stronger, more patient and cleverer in choosing my way, or else i would go to the wrong path.

--2013--

In this second year, some things got better, some got worse. But life must go on. I got closer to my friends, i started to figure the good and the bad out of them. There were times where i was bored with my life, i disappointed with people and even with myself. But let me tell you one of thousands perks living in a dorm; you will never be alone. Your friends will always be by your side, and they will never let you cry. When life treats you bad, your friends will cheer you up. They've never failed make me stop crying when tears are dropping from my eyes. And day by day, my love for them got more and more powerful.

--2014--

"YEAY, I AM NOW A SENIOR!" that was the first thought that came up from my mind. I had visions that in this last year of school would be more interesting, but then it was all turned out to be the vice versa. Life was getting harsher. Everyone was busy with themselves, struggling for the upcoming final exams which were waiting to be faced. The fire of spirit inside our soul burst. We aimed high, believing in ourselves that we could reach the farthest star. 

--2015--

Second semester of third grade. I got tired. And so other people. We started to feel pessimist. The spirit is no longer blazing. "What is the purpose of this life? Like seriously...," i often asked myself. But once again, alhamdulillah, there were my friends. We cried together a lot, remembering no much time left to spent together. This made us realize that every second of our life is extremely precious and that money can't buy us happiness. As the final exams got closer, we got our brain stuffed with words. Parents and teachers were busy growing grit inside our mind. And finally the time had come... The three-year battle will be tested in three-day exam. Thank Allah everything went smooth and well. But it didn't mean that everything's over. It was just a beginning to start a brand new higher level life; university. 

Those four paragraphs sum up my senior high school life. Now i want to thank everyone. My parents, my family, my teachers, my friends, every each of you has brought something new to my life. Thank you for the willing to exist and take part in it. My life has no ups and downs without you, which means i'm dead without your appearance. And especially, Thank You, Allah for letting me to get to know them. :)

SEE YOU ON TOP, VASTA DOUZE-A & ETERAZIO!

Bruto and Me 

Happy holiday!

Hellyow guys! Di post kali ini gue cuma pengen ngeshare beberapa foto waktu liburan di hometown nyokap di Bojonegoro.
Oya, tau gaksih, gue udah gak pulkam 6 tahun. Bayangin aja! Betapa kangennya gue sama kehidupan disana.. Tapi semua itu udah kebayar dengan stay disana selama 10 hari. #curcol
Well, capcus aja ya guys!

Me with twin

@ Banyu Blekutuk

Me with Angel

Me, Mum, Sista

Not funny at all..

It's funny how hello always ends with a goodbye.

It's funny how good memories can start to make you cry.

It's funny how forever never really seems to last.

It's funny how friends can just leave you when you're down.

It's funny how you need someone they're never around.

It's funny how people change and think they're so much better.

It's funny how many lies can be packed in one "love letter".

It's funny how people forgive even though they can't forget.

It's funny how ironic life turns out to be.

But the funniest part of all, none of that's funny to me!